Jots Go Home

People Who Ride Longboards

2009-04-13T13:44:00.001-07:00

I see you jots riding around campus. I get it. You like to skate, or you like to surf, or at least you like people thinking that you like to do either of these activities. You want to let people know that you're so chill, that you love Jack Johnson, and that you care about our Mother Earth.

Here's a thought: wear a shirt. It doesn't matter if it's Hurley, or Quicksilver, or some other jot skate company. We'll get the picture. You don't need to bring your obnoxious board out into the open and swerve all over the walkways around campus and make people avoid jot collisions.

Before today, I tolerated you jots. I bit my tongue because I thought, "Well, I guess if I knew how to skate and I was in a hurry to get to class, that might be a viable option." No.

Today, one of you jots passed me on my walk to class. I was running late, and I figured you were in the same situation, so I again quietly accepted your form of transportation. Until I caught up with you. Sure, you cruise downhill areas and casually glide through flat land, but carrying that big obnoxious glorified toy slows you down when you come to any area of campus that is un-skateable, which on this campus comprises of most of the territory.

You aren't saving time, and you are being a jot hazard? I will not stand for this.

Express your love for your jot culture in another way. You're in college now. I would have expected you to leave your toys at home with your Soap shoes and your Tech Decks.

This is why you're jot.

People Who Don't Signal

2009-03-19T15:17:00.000-07:00

I would like to preface the following post by noting that there are situations in which it is okay to turn or change lines without signalling, but I will not waste my time on the obvious.

There are times when you are attempting to make a turn, let's say, a left. You are clear on the right- no cars are headed towards you from that direction. The only thing stopping you from turning is a car headed at you from the left. "Alright, I'll just wait a few seconds until this car passes." The car is not utilizing its factory-default blinkers. Suddenly, the car turns. You are infuriated. You could have already made the turn and been well on the way towards your destination, but alas you are not. All because some ingrate did not use his blinker. You have been victimized by the ones we call jots.

It is despicable. This is even worse if the jot's actions have destroyed your window of opportunity and you are stuck waiting even longer.

They must be stopped.

Those Who Calhoun Beers

2009-03-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

While some may argue that there are seven deadly sins, nay, I say! There are in fact eight. For the most despicable act that one man can commit against another, is to Calhoun a beer that was bequeathed to him. For there is no greater disrespect than to fail to finish a beer that hath been given out of the generosity of another.

While a man who cannot finish his own beer is simply weak, to Calhoun a gifted beer is sickening. There is no worse feeling than that of man scouring the wreckage of him party the morning after, only to find full, opened beers left to die by jots and BOBITBOTRs.

Shame be to those unfortunate souls whose namesakes have been condemned to refer to this deplorable act (hat tip to Bageljot), and shame be to those audacious, or drunk, enough to commit such a crime against humanity. For their transgressions were so unspeakable that they shall live in infamy for all eternity.

Stop Calhouning my beers, jots.

People Who Sleep in Beds That Do Not Belong To Them

2009-02-17T23:20:00.001-08:00

Fade in. Start the scene.

You go up to your room to go to sleep. You see your roomate cuddled up in his bed snoozin' away. You assume its safe to go to sleep. But, wait.. after a few minutes your roomate walks in the door. How can this happen?

YOU ASSUME THAT IT WAS YOUR ROOMATE SLEEPING IN HIS BED. BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG.

It is, in fact, someone else sleeping in your roomates bed. Only the jottiest of jots attempt to pull off the move of sleeping in someone elses bed, because they know that no one would ever bother to actually check if it is, in fact, their roomate or not. What a jot.

Jots go home to your own beds.

People Who Have BYOB Parties

2009-02-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

People who decide to host a party in their apartment or dorm room, and then make the decision to enact a BYOB policy unto said party, are among the jottiest of individuals that I have come to know in all of my 21 years.

First and foremost, there is the simple social norm that if YOU decide to HOST a party, you are expected to provide certain things for the GUESTS that attend your party. Among these requirements are a setting, atmosphere, entertainment, and most importantly, LIQUID SUSTENANCE! Allow me to briefly explain each of these requirements.

1. Setting: If you are deciding to HOST a party, it is YOUR responsibility to provide the setting for the party to take place. I know this may seem like common, sense, but in order to fully explain my distaste for BYOB impositions, I felt it necessary to start from square one. Tell all of your guest where the party is going to take place so they can plan accordingly. If it is going to be in your apartment, they know that they will be indoors and can dress accordingly. If you are having an outdoor party, like a bonfire, people will know that it might be necessary to bring a jacket. You don't want you guests shivering and quivering like jots in front of a firing squad.

2. Atmosphere: The reason people come to a party is to forget about the responsibilities and woes of the real world and the jots that exist within that world. Do your best to create a friendly atmosphere that make people forget their jobs are miserable and the economy is in the shitter. Put some fuckin tunes on, arrange your apartment to create some space for people to move around, and put your BEER and LIQUOR in a place that is easily accessible to all the guests.

3. Entertainment: What you think people want to come to your place to drink cheap beer and stand around? They could do that at their own place on their own time without the risk of jot encounters. Get some drinking games ready, keep the tunes blasting, maybe get a dance floor going. If the party is not fun, the responsibility falls on you and you alone. Keep on your toes, bitch.

4. Liquid Sustenance: Here is where my major gripe with BYOB jots comes into play. You cannot expect people to bring their own beer or liquor. YOU decided to have the party, so YOU have to provide the alcohol. Especially if you are in college, it is your social responsibility to follow the "Pay it Forward" norm that naturally exists on college campuses. Allow me to explain:

When you are a freshman and sophomore, chances are, you are living in a dorm and you are going out to other people's apartments, houses, or fraternity lodges to party on weeknights and weekends. Assuming that the members of these venues are not jots, they are providing YOU with all of the requirements listed above, including beer and liquor. Even if you go to a large school and they charge you a small fee to get in the door, they are taking on all the responsibility of the party. Now, when you become a junior or senior and you have ownership over one of these party opportune venues, it is now YOUR responsibility to shoulder that burden. If you took advantage of all of the glory as a freshman or sophomore and then BYOB your guests as a junior and senior, YOU ARE A JOT! Hands down, no question, I can smell you from here.

To place this theory within the context of the film of the same name, think of yourself as Jim Caviezel as a freshman and sophomore. You have no home, no place to party. Next thing you know, motherfucking Haley Joel Osment puts his hand out to you and gives you a place to lay your head (or in this case, party.) Once you "get back on your feet" as a junior or senior, it is time for you to PAY IT FORWARD and help out a new class of Jim Caviezels. {It's just common courtesy, jots.)

So the next time you're thinking about making your party BYOB, think of the acronym as meaning, "Bitch, You Owe Big"

People who use the elevator to go up or down one floor

2009-02-04T11:58:00.001-08:00

REALLY?!

I mean, ok, let's say you're crippled, or old, or have a baby with you or something. Fine.

But if you are an able bodied person, just take the goddamned stairs.

JOTS

Jot Haters Anonymous Reviews Jot-beer

2009-01-17T17:21:00.001-08:00

In the spirit of how shittily (is that a word?) the economy doing lately, we here at JGH have decided to venture into the previously unknown world of cheap jot beer. We've selected three gems to sample tonight, and those are: the venerable Bud Ice Light, the obscure Southpaw Light, and a legend in its own right, Old Milwaukee. Without further adieu...

First up: Bud Ice Light

Thoughts: This exceedingly light beer failed to wow us yet also failed to offend us. It doesn't have a lot of flavor, which also makes it easy to drink. Its existence seems a bit redundant, considering it's pretty much Bud Light/Ice sans flavor and alcohol content. Also comes in a bit light at 4.1% (while its mainstream cousin Bud Light comes in at 4.2%). The gimmicky bottle, while kinda cool to look at, adds nothing to the beer (in fact, you can't return it for money in bottle bill states).

Bottom line: Rather inoffensive, though a bit light on the flavor. Nothing special.

Jot-o-meter: 6/10 - Fairly jotty.

Next up: Southpaw Light

Thoughts: Frankly, this purchase was a mistake. This seemed to be our most promising beer, but we were epically let down. We originally were attracted to it because of its mildly appealing name and packaging, however we were quickly disappointed. It was described by our expert panel as "stale" and that its "shitty metallic flavor just plain sucks." Also, at 123 calories, its anything but light. Its only redeeming quality was that it contains alcohol, and will certainly get you drunk as shiiiit.

Bottom line: Just brutal. I would strongly recommend not buying this.

Jot-o-meter: 10/10 - Most jotty.

Finally: Old Milwaukee

Thoughts: Probably the best of the three we've reviewed. It has the most flavor and is not completely offensive. We were impressed by it being sold in a 30-rack (which you usually don't see in VA). The packaging was also pretty appealing, especially with the official seal and the diamond inside the 'O'. We also strongly suspect it's a beer for rednecks. Overall, a decent, cheap, light college beer. Given the choice though, I'd still go with Natty.

Bottom line: Classic college beer.

Jot-o-meter: 2.5/10 - Not so jotty.

That's all. Hopefully you wont make the same mistakes we did and actually spend money on this garbage.

People Who Waste Good Beer on Drinking Games and Act Like Dicks About It

2009-01-02T03:59:00.001-08:00

Listen, I love good beer just as much as hte next guy. In fact, I prefer it to shitty beer (shocking, right?)

But shitty beer has its place in society. Sometimes, you just need to rage hard.

And sometimes, when raging hard, you're going to play drinking games. Maybe flip cup, maybe beer pong, maybe chandelier- whatever's your cup of tea. And when you're slugging down beers, it's foolish- and jotty- to waste a real beer on it. You don't play flip cup with a hefeweizen, or beer pong with IPAs. It's a waste.

And then, on top of that, to make a big deal out of how you're drinking "good beer" during one of these games while others are drinking "watery beer"-- well, that's just plain jotty.

Happy Honda Days

2008-12-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the misleading title. Perhaps someone will discuss in the near future the jottery that is Honda Days as well as how jots are constantly being saved by a shitty 80s song by the Fixx (which can be seen here).

This is just a reminder that jots (and Canadians) are celebrating boxing day today. The two groups are not, however, mutually exclusive.

So, for all of you non-jots out there, hope your christmas was great. And for jots, I hope your boxing day sucks. Go back home to Saskatchewan.. Jots.

People Who Correct You When You Say It's Winter Before the Actual Winter Solstice

2008-12-19T18:00:00.000-08:00

Something has to be done to these people.

Yes, I understand that Winter doesn't "technically" start until December 21st, or the 23rd, or whenever the hell it starts, but let's be realistic.

If it's December, it's winter. If you need to scrape the ice off your car in the morning, shovel the driveway, or you have tos ay "Fuck, it's cold", then it's winter, regardless of what day it is.

The same thing goes for other seasons as well. "It's so hot and it's not even summer yet!" JUNE IS SUMMER.

Nonjots are likely to describe the seasons as such:

December, January, February -- WINTER

March, April, May -- SPRING

June, July, August -- SUMMER

September, October, November -- FALL

Everyone else is a jot and should go home.

Peter Hammarsted of Whale Wars

2008-12-17T23:07:00.000-08:00

Congratulations.. or shall I extend my condolences. I'm not sure which. Mr. Hammarsted, Second Mate on the Steve Irwin of the Sea Shepherd is the newest addition to the JOT wall of shame.

First off, I'm all for the anti-whaling movement. But, man.. you're really trying hard to sabotage this thing. You had a good thing going with the last crew, until most of them deserted because of your ludicrous anti-alcohol-dry-ship policy.

FACT: Jots support prohibition.

Seriously, you guys are pirates. I've never heard of pirates that don't take rum to the face like Paula Abdul at an American Idol open bar. So you've contradicted yourself.

FACT: Jots are squirrely.

You probably weight about 120 lbs and have like 10 pubes on your face, which you call a goatee. Extra jotty. Oh and that pony tale needs to go. ASAP.

FACT: Jots use mind control techniques to get what they want.

Ok, so you are, in fact, canoodling with Amber, the hottest girl on the ship. But seriously, how many forget-me-nows did that take?

FACT: Jots are poor leaders.

Peter Hammarsted, 10 consonants, 5 vowels and 0 leadership ability. Since the new crew has come on you've successfully blundered a mission and had crew members break a thumb and shatter a pelvis. Just jump off the boat already.

Mr. Hammarsted, I hope the Japanese harpoon you. Because that's what we do to jots.

Aaron Heilman

2008-12-10T19:47:00.000-08:00

In honor of Aaron Heilman being traded from the Mets to the Mariners, I have decided to dedicate the inaugural Jots Go Home Blogpost to him.

First off, Aaron's name starts off with the same letter twice. That's pretty jotty. Aaron is the aardvark of names, and I've never met anyone that actually liked aardvarks or had cute pictures of aardvarks as their wallpaper on their computer. Fuck aardvarks.

Also, Heilman is from Indiana. Name one respectable person that ever came out of Indiana. I really can't.

He majored in "information management systems" and "philosophy". Who the fuck does that?

Not only was his record 3-8 this year, he continued to disappoint Mets fans everywhere almost every time he went to the mound. Also, if you're going to pick a Rolling Stones song as your song when you come out onto the field, pick something less cliche than "Paint it Black". JOT.

And that's all the jottery that's fit to print for now.